If I should die before I wake

Well, it seems that this madness is more than just a feeling.  Maybe I am not crazy.  Maybe I have been tortured and threatened by the very people that are supposed to serve and protect.  And with this assumption, I ponder to myself wheather it has brought them all a virtual pinata to beat vicariously.  I am the new punching bag for all the dirty cops and living dead fed agents.  They are trying to claim that I am a liar, but I confessed everything to the local police here about a year and a half ago.  In the time that precluded that day that I confessed everything to the police here, my life was on a pretty good track.  I was married with a dog and two cats and my wife and I were still close.  Today though, my life is ruined.  I am divorced, on several anti-psychotic medications and I really don't know where reality begins and where it ends.  If these threats on my life and the people I don't know (viewers of my virtual reality show) and friends of mine, if I can call them that, don't stop, I am sure that I will forever be stuck and beaten daily until they all see that they are the ones in the wrong.  I know that they have taken pictures of me in the most vulnerable of moments and distributed them to many people, namely those on the radio who are participating in this humiliating and virtual hazing.  I am being exploited every day now and all I want is to know wheather I am sane or insane.  I continue to take my medication everyday, but the feelings of being watched via satellite by some brazened bone heads in the intelligence community here in the U.S. does not subside.  So if this is the last post I make, at least you will know where my mind is, but I will have to wait and take pills on a daily basis that most likely doing nothing but hurting me.  So I say shame on the powers that be in this shadow boxing game and I wonder if they will ever have the brass to disclose exactly what they are (criminals) or just let me believe that I am insane for the rest of my life.

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No one came

Hello again to anyone who reads this.  This weekend, in particular Sunday, was full of a terrorizing feeling that I would have to make my last stand against some unknown force.  When this all began full scale in July of 2009, I began to fear that I was wanted dead.  This feeling has not subsided and I feel that even if this is not real, the fact remains that I am definently teetering on the edge of sanity and I fear I may have lost my mind completely.  I haven't really vocalized this to anyone else, but the "messages" are spreading to other forms of media now, including newspaper headlines, television and even bilboards.  I am experiencing panic attacks and finding no real relief from anyone or anything.  I wish I could stop this, but it is now lurking behind every statement other people make to me or made to another, every passing car, and more specifically every lyric of music or song title.  If I see a specific date or time of year that is described I immediately become convinced that this will be the last day I see on this earth or the last day of "freedom" I can experience.  The two possibilities that I am hearing now are either this thursday, the 14th, or sometime in November.  I am broken. 

I know that I will never be rid of this feeling and my life will never be that of a normal persons.  Love will not come back to me because I am unable to trust even the closest of family and friends.  Laughter is now only a mask to conceil the deeply scarred soul I now possess and I just feel like fading away into an eternal sleep.  I am pathetically cowering out what I feel are my last days because I feel the rest of the world is better off without me and I am undoubtedly fearful to do anything of real substance.  I really don't know why I am waiting to die other than to let my last thought be that of total clarity and grotesque vengeance.  I am completely ruined. 

"The Last Day"

For a year now, I have been made to lose my mind and live in fear of someone or some wing of the government coming to kill, harm, imprison me or inflict some other kind of punishment on me.  It all started in June of 2009 when I started hearing messages from DJ's in my town that seemed to be directed towards me.  These messages came in the form of songs, statements and also in the tone of their voice.  I battled with this for such a long time that I began to think I was losing my mind.  I even called the local police and asked if I was wanted for any crime and also confessed to them that I had possessed an illegal substance also including that I had thrown it away because I knew that it was wrong and I was willing to turn myself in.  The police instead suggested that I goto seek counseling at Network 180, a local mental health facility which networks caregivers to the mentally ill.  I began my experience with Network 180 formally when I then sought out help in July 2009 for this induced psychosis.  At the time though, I was quite sure that I was going crazy.  In the first visit, I explained to the counseling staff there that I was experiencing what I thought were messages directed to me that I then was hearing primarily from one station at the time, 96.9 WLAV of my home town, Grand Rapids, MI.  I picked up on several different hints that I was being watched and exploited somehow but I didn't know how this could be happening.  The hints came clearest from the morning show host, Kevin Matthews.  For example, I dyed my hair black and soon after I would hear something to the likes of "you have black hair now?", but always in some sort of coded relay to another Co-host or something.  I also recall him making statements on me wearing steel toed boots, which I do most everyday and also because of me looking the way I do that I would have a hard time in prison.  These hints came before my calling the police and asking if I was wanted for anything and also before my attempt at turning myself in.  After the July 2009 visit to Network 180, I had just two more visits to them which were all basically just repeats of the first visit when I explained to people what I thought was going on.  But within the time period of the two visits it became August and by the last visit my marriage was beginning to crumble and also my Grandma was on her deathbed.  By October of 2009 I was hearing the messages from all local stations that I should leave the country, that I was wanted dead or alive and several other warnings that would make one want to run away or to feel paranoid such as commenting on my actions in real time.  My marriage was then basically over but my wife and I still lived in the same apartment, but by November she was sleeping at her parents house and we had decided to split up for many reasons, including majorly my "psychosis" but also because of my distancing myself from her because she did not believe that this was actually going on.  By December of 2009 we moved out of our apartment and I began to live at my parents house and she lived with her parents yet we had not yet divorced.  The messages never stopped even when I moved, and I specifically remember the first night I slept at my parents house, the DJ on 97.9 WGRD, Dahmer, waited until he somehow knew I was listening to my clock radio and whistled over the air in a manner that could only confirm that this was still happening.  I then began to really lose my mind because I didn't know what else I could do to stop this.  It was then I started contemplating suicide as a means of exiting this neverending torment.  I didn't know what else I could do.  I didn't have access to a gun at the time so I basically just hurt myself as a statement to those who were watching that they were in fact slowly killing me.  What came of my hurting myself though was eventually the cuts I had made became visible to my parents one day and they naturally became scared for my own well being and I again visited Network 180, and this is now January of 2010, and from Network 180 I was admitted into Pine Rest Mental Hospital where I stayed under their care for then one week and was councelled and diagnosed as schizo-affective for my symptoms of hearing messages on the radio and sometimes television at this point.  I was subsequently prescribed Haldol, a medication with many side-effects but one that basically shut down certain portions of the brain which were supposed to be creating these delusions.  I gave in at this point and accepted the medication because there was no ending to this torment.  One notable memory of the first stay I had at Pine Rest was one day we were all waking up and instead of the morning television being on, it was radio.  97.9 WGRD was on and the morning show Free Beer and Hot Wings was being broadcast live.  In that broadcast I distinctly remember one of the hosts seemingly telling me that people were trying to chase me out of the state and he used an analogy of sharks trying to catch their prey.  This created another great fear in me and I questioned whether or not I should really take the medication being prescribed to me.  But as many things go, one tries to use the tools they are given and the only hope I saw out of this was letting the medication try to help me.  At this point now I questioned if some divine intelligence was speaking to me, including the possibility that this was some sort of demonic possession.  I was thoroughly confused and paralyzed from making any real decisions because I was waiting for the medication to help cure what was wrong with me.  The messages never stopped though.  I stayed on medication for about two months and I experienced no relief as I said but I did get all the nice side effects of the Haldol such as unbearable stiffness in my muscles, primarily my shoulders and legs which made going out with friends or socializing something I wouldn't do to avoid having to be seen in such a condition.  Also because of this I found it impossible to work so I didn't work for about 2 months.  Now even devices that I owned such as my Xbox and Ipod which weren't even connected to the internet were giving me messages.  Including these devices, the satellite radio on my parents dish network service was also now in on this.  This began my total infatuation with this conspiracy, though I was still being medicated for schizo-affective disorder.  Nothing changed with the medication and eventually in March 2010 I attempted suicide by medication and whiskey in an attempt to slow my heart to a stop and just fade away, again in an act of rebellion and stupidity, but you must understand my hopeless state of mind at the time because the real world was telling me that I was in need of medication and at this point I didn't feel I could trust my own mind so I thought this would be a good way to go.  The suicide attempt failed as I became nautious and vomited and called for assistence.  The police and ambulance and fire fighters arrived and then my parents.  I was hospitalized for a day and then sent back to Pine Rest where I was eventually put under court ordered medication on injections of Haldol and placed with a counseler.  From March until June I was forcibly medicated with all the same side effects as before but I finally was able to be taken off medication by my insisting that I was gaining no benefits from the medication.  From June until now October 9th, 2010 I have continually been tormented to this day, what I believe is the last day of this where some action is going to be taken finally.  We'll see what will happen and I will stand against this until the end.