Hello again to anyone who reads this. This weekend, in particular Sunday, was full of a terrorizing feeling that I would have to make my last stand against some unknown force. When this all began full scale in July of 2009, I began to fear that I was wanted dead. This feeling has not subsided and I feel that even if this is not real, the fact remains that I am definently teetering on the edge of sanity and I fear I may have lost my mind completely. I haven't really vocalized this to anyone else, but the "messages" are spreading to other forms of media now, including newspaper headlines, television and even bilboards. I am experiencing panic attacks and finding no real relief from anyone or anything. I wish I could stop this, but it is now lurking behind every statement other people make to me or made to another, every passing car, and more specifically every lyric of music or song title. If I see a specific date or time of year that is described I immediately become convinced that this will be the last day I see on this earth or the last day of "freedom" I can experience. The two possibilities that I am hearing now are either this thursday, the 14th, or sometime in November. I am broken.
I know that I will never be rid of this feeling and my life will never be that of a normal persons. Love will not come back to me because I am unable to trust even the closest of family and friends. Laughter is now only a mask to conceil the deeply scarred soul I now possess and I just feel like fading away into an eternal sleep. I am pathetically cowering out what I feel are my last days because I feel the rest of the world is better off without me and I am undoubtedly fearful to do anything of real substance. I really don't know why I am waiting to die other than to let my last thought be that of total clarity and grotesque vengeance. I am completely ruined.
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